Sally and Harry tried everything, but in spite of the fact that for both of them this was a second marriage, they decided to divorce. As often happens, the reason behind their divorce was Sally’s children, who did not want her to be married to anyone else but their biological father – a very common dream of children from divorced parents.
Sally was angry. Harry was disturbed and confused. For both, being in the Rabbinic court for the final stage (“Sidur Get”) was nothing less than a small trauma, no matter how hard they tried to hide this from each other. This divorce could have been avoided if only they’d had the tools.
Sally came to the Rabbinic court with her 17- and 20-year-old children from her previous marriage. They were very happy, of course, and they decided to celebrate afterwards.
Don’t Do It:
Don’t bring your children even if you need their support. Bringing children and exposing them to your divorce will affect them in the future. Being in a Rabbinic court with all of the ongoing bad vibes is not fun and should be avoided at any cost.
After appearing before the Rabbi, Harry and Sally were sent to the main office to pay the court fees. According to their agreement, Harry and Sally were each to pay a small fee. Harry asked Sally to pay his fees as well with her credit card and promised to refund her that same day. After paying the fees, they returned to the courtroom and less than an hour later, they were done with the GET. They were now religiously divorced.
They returned to the office to be handed their certificate. Suddenly, Sally asked Harry, “Where is my money? You still owe me $20 for the court fees – I want it now.” Harry felt really bad. He had some change and gave her the amount on the spot.
Don’t Do It:
There is no need to be petty or small-minded. Try to be as forgiving as possible because you will most likely have contact or some kind of relationship with your ex-partner in the future. Try to minimize the aftershock of the religious ritual. It is important to be a “mencsh” during the process, as well as after the divorce. Remember that it is not a war, but a separation – and the more human and civilized, the better.
For a long period prior to their divorce, Sally and Harry tried to communicate in order to narrow their divergences, but the results were very poor. They tried – they really wanted to – but neither had the tools or it wasn’t the right time. They were stubborn and immersed in their own grief and pain – they were very angry at each other.
After the GET, Harry felt it was impossible to separate from Sally – he thought that he couldn’t do it. He finally understood that he would do whatever it took to have her again. It was a deep feeling of love and understanding. Harry was sorry, his grief was sincere and the pain was making him sick. As a result, Harry decided to call Sally and tell her that he would do anything – “whatever it takes!” He was ready to forget and forgive the mutual anger towards each other. He was ready to make drastic changes that he could not do before – but he wasn’t prepared.
Sally wasn’t prepared for that conversation. First, she felt confused, but very soon she turned aggressive and angry. Sally forgot all of the good times and she refused to see Harry as the good and caring husband that he had once been to her. Sure, he made mistakes. Sure, he had to learn, but Harry wasn’t in a solo relationship – he was in a relationship with Sally. It doesn’t matter how you look at it – the relationship was mutual and therefore, they both had some blame for whatever went wrong.
Sally acted in the meanest way, telling Harry to leave and to never call her again. Harry felt pain and he knew he had also blown it. He felt guilty and his pain was driving him to the edge. Sally was uncontrollable, she was so hurt – with so much in pain, feeling that she was abandoned by Harry, that she could not see the opening of a new page or a new window.
Don’t Do It:
Even when deeply hurt, never put all the blame on the other side. A marriage is a relationship in which were both sides play their parts. A marriage is never a “one man show” even if one of the sides is extremely dominant.
Don’t Do It:
Don’t miss a chance to save the marriage – even after the GET.
After deciding to divorce, there are a few steps where one can stop, take a deep breath and change his/her mind. When you have already reached the Rabbinic court to receive the GET, it is too late. Better to do it that day and not try to postpone.
If possible, you really can try to fulfill another “Mitzva” to re-marry the divorcee (“Lehachzir Et Grushato”).
A Short Story with a Big Morality:
There is a famous story by the Rabbi Salanter as follows:
One night, as he walked past the home of a shoemaker, Rabbi Salanter noticed that, despite the late hour, the man was still working by the light of a dying candle. “Why are you still working?” he asked. “It is very late and soon that candle will go out.” The shoemaker replied, “As long as the candle is still burning, it is still possible to accomplish and to mend.” Salanter spent that entire night excitedly pacing his room and repeating to himself: “As long as the candle is still burning, it is still possible to accomplish and to mend.”
It is never too late!
