Before you shout me down – I’m thrilled that you have a good marriage and had an easy absorption – this is not about you; it’s about an existing phenomenon in Israel regarding new immigrants.
After years spent working with a wide range of new immigrants and Israelis, I can now talk authoritatively about a “cumulative experience” regarding marriages, common law marriages and divorces among “mixed couples”, meaning new immigrants and native Israelis; mainly, but not exclusively, Israeli men and new immigrant women.
The title of this essay is a well-known expression. Watch out for the signs and learn from the experience of others because there is a pattern.
Love is not blind; love causes blindness – a sad story about two good people who made too many mistakes because they didn’t have the tools
Sally
Sally was so happy! She had been living here for the past 15 years. She had made aliya from America and was a divorced mother of five young children. Harry was a divorced Canadian who had been living here for the last 20 years. His children were not living with him. From the day they met, it was love at first sight!
Sally and Harry’s daily life was filled with joy. Sally, bit by bit, told Harry her story. But Harry was deaf because love causes not only blindness but also selective hearing. He didn’t really listen to the stories she told him – or paid very little attention to them – a mistake, as he later learned. Should he listened they could have worked on the issues on time and saved the divorced and the pain.
Sally spoke about her previous marriage to a native Israeli – “Mr. X”. Sally’s ex was quite a character; a weak individual with a non-dominant personality. He was also uneducated and a drug user. Sally made a serious mistake in judgment costing her and her family much pain and trouble.
Mr. X came from a highly dysfunctional family. Harry slowly discovered evidence of incest, alcoholism, family retardation and a father who had not worked for more than 25 years. This is the background that Sally’s children were exposed to.
Sally’s children had many problems, including low moral values due to the education they received. They were good kids but had no tolls to deal with disappointments and hardship in life.
Sally didn’t tell Harry the whole story. It all came together like a puzzle, every bad experience adding a new piece of information.
Sally’s background was also alarming; but Harry, of course, had tuned it out. Sally’s mother was a dominant personality and had a tremendously negative influence on Sally and her children. From the day they met, Sally’s mother and extended family were against Harry. The women in the family preferred, in their words, a “yes man”. Harry, who has a strong personality, was the opposite. Morality was not the family’s strong point!
For years, the children fought Harry. They would not accept another man in “their” house; and they refused to allow anyone to tell them what to do or how to behave. They did their utmost to cause problems between Harry and their mother and, unfortunately, they succeeded.
Harry didn’t have the tools to handle problematic children sharing few common problems. Harry made too many mistakes – the biggest one being his marriage to Sally without proper preparation. All the signs were there. They should both have known better.
After a few years Sally started to change, bossing Harry around and putting him down. The children were having a great time; they had what they wanted – complete freedom to do as they pleased because Sally was not a mother who disciplined them. Finally, Harry left the house and divorced her.
Harry
Harry was no better prepared for the marriage than Sally was. He was too dominant and wanted his way or no way. He was a disciplinarian with a very clear picture of the world. His was a good world and those who didn’t fit into it were not to be excused or forgiven. It was Harry’s way or no way with put him in constant conflict with the children.
These were not his only problem. Harry wanted to take over, leaving no room for mistakes; he was in charge.
The reality
The reality was that Sally and Harry did love each other; they were exceptionally good people, each with a big heart. They cared for each other but couldn’t combine their worlds. They didn’t have the tools to work things out. They had the desire and, for a certain amount of time they had hope, which eventually faded away.
Don’t make the wrong choices
Sally’s personality ultimately led to her children gaining power over her. The facts were there, but Harry was blinded and deafened by love.
Do your homework and be as sure as you can when you make a decision about your partner for life. You must know the facts in order to analyze the situation and make a rational decision. Do not be swayed by your emotions.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
What you see, in the family of the man / woman you choose to spend your life with, is what you will get. A troubled family has an enormous influence on its individual members.
In second marriages, the best signs are the children. They are a “mirror” of what the parents are – they don’t fall far from the tree.
If you are not smart enough to get help from the very first day, stay away from this kind of relation.
A word of hope
There is hope. In general, through crisis management, it is possible to mend and rebuild trust and respect. A marriage crisis is no different from any other life crisis.
Harry and Sally were meant for each other. They were in a terrible situation, watching each other grow more hostile and drifting further and further apart, in deep sadness; incapable of stopping the fall.
Love and respect can be your best toll but can’t be the only one. You will need professional guidance and there is plenty out there.
Don’t give up
As soon as you see the signs it is time to do something different, even drastic. Never blame your partner because it is never about you or him / her. It is always about both of you. The essence of any relationship is the partnership. Take responsibility and if the steps you have taken are not helping, find another way. Seek help and don’t give up – because love may not come again.
