Introduction:
Too many divorces occurs in Israel, too many families are been destroyed and too many people hurt. As I have written in previous articles, most of these divorces could be avoided if the system in Israel would follow a different approach. But not only in the system do we need a drastic change, we need to change our perceptions, take responsibility and try new ways to confront bad situations.
Add ADD or ADHD to the conflict and you have the best recipe for a stormy divorce – often a stormy and unnecessary divorce. The problem begins with the diagnosis as we know that most adults with ADD or ADHD were not diagnosed until they were already adults.
ADD:
One of the most clear articles I have read about ADD in adults was written by Dr. Ron Weinstein, Ph.D (http://www.addcentre.co.uk/translatingADHD.html) and I will try here to give some practical advice using Dr. Weinstein’s own words and my professional experience dealing with divorces.
Communication or the lack of good communication:
The lack of good and sincere communication is the most impacting factor in divorces and as Dr. Weinstein wrote below, regarding adults with ADD the situation can be more extreme.
“Many of the arguments and the resulting rages, tantrums or cold shoulders that arise between people in close relationships can often be traced to differences in perception and communication style. How we see and make sense of the world around us influences how and what we communicate to others. This usually becomes apparent to anyone involved in a relationship with someone who has AD/HD. Developing an understanding of these differences is essential to effective communication.”
“Good communication depends on people understanding one another’s true thoughts, regardless of the words they happen to be using. Since our brains work so much faster than our mouths, we often use a kind of shorthand, which might have an entirely different meaning for another person than it does for us.”
Unlike a “non-AD/HD” brain, which runs on batteries, the brain of an adult with AD/HD is like a wind-up watch that requires winding periodically throughout the day. The non-stop circulation of thoughts and ideas in the brain of a person with AD/HD provides stimulation and is a wonderful source of creativity, but it often creates difficulties with communication… the meanings of the words spoken and the priorities placed on tasks are quite different for the individual with AD/HD. It’s as if they speak a different language. This results in miscommunication, misinterpretation and misunderstanding! Thus we often hear, “That’s not what I meant!” or “You don’t understand!”
“A thought process begins when a question is asked. The person responding must stop, listen to what is being asked, compare this information to previous experiences, choose an option and then respond. The person with AD/HD most often has difficulty in step one – stopping. As such, the process does not occur and, like the balls in the lottery machine, what comes out of the mouth is often a surprise even to the person who said it! This happens because of the difficulty isolating individual thoughts in a brain that’s constantly being filled with new ideas. The spoken word only becomes real when it is uttered aloud. It is only after the word leaves the mouth that the AD/HD individual can decide whether or not it makes sense, and whether or not it’s appropriate. So the statement, “I didn’t mean that” should be taken literally.”
Not every behavior is acceptable:
Physical violence or any type of extreme abuse is not an option. It doesn’t matter how sick a person is, that behavior is not acceptable. These types of behaviors must stop even before a couple seeks professional help and if it can’t be stopped, it is better to separate and start therapy living in separate dwellings.
“Neither partner in a relationship has to accept unacceptable behavior. When a person who does not have the disorder seeks a support group to help deal with a partner with AD/HD who is sloppy, has frequent outbursts, or is unable to hold a job, in some cases, our advice is to forget it! Behaviors that lead to disorganization, screaming or unemployment can be changed, but only if the person with the problems is able and willing to make an effort to change…”
We need changes but we can only change ourselves – not our partner:
“Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were adults. Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of pain. Many have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them survive. Over time, the constant pressure of trying to cope with their problems brought on by their new ways to cope can bring about stress. As a result, some adults become overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and lose confidence. Since we can’t go back and change this history, we need to move forward and realize that the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity to closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful manner and to understand why they made the choices they did. But as we are aware, just understanding doesn’t guarantee anything will change.”
Don’t let it go – Don’t let the person you love go away:
When you let your marriage slip between your fingers you are letting go of your other half. You may find another half, a new half just to learn that you have lost your best half ever!
Try everything you can think of:
Don’t give up easily, try again and again. Have no fear of being rejected and remember that most probably there is no way back if you let it go.
When I say try everything I mean every new way you haven’t tried before. Don’t do the same things again and again because if your strategy didn’t work yesterday chances are it won’t work tomorrow.
Regarding strategy, consult with friends, better with those divorced. Ask about their failures and success and try to adapt their success to your situation avoiding the same mistakes they have made. Use creativity, but above all be sincere and kind.
Listen to the professionals but don’t rebuke your own good instincts:
Professionals can and usually do make a difference, but don’t forget that they are humans, they have their own agenda and own moral values. They tend to work with the tools they have, their values and their own success and failures.
In the end it is all about you and not them. If a professional tells you something like: “I think you should divorce” or “She/He is not for you”, watch out because as a result of his private opinion you may do something you will regret. This is about your marriage and not the therapist’s.
Let it go:
If you have tried your best, with good and true intentions but unsuccessfully, only then is it time to let it go completely and start a new chapter in life.
Accept your losses and start looking forward to new horizons, a new life. And never look back. Don’t feel guilty or sorry – accept facts as they are: FACTS.
A very personal touch:
I could myself have avoided my own divorce in spite of all the problems we were having with my ex-wife’s six children, which in my view resulted in the deterioration of our personal relationship.
Blaming the problems on the children was the biggest mistake. And it took me a long time to understand the basic formula of changing your own perception and behavior before trying to change anyone else. Don’t make that mistake!
