Maturity and Immigration
Part of the needed maturity is accepting responsibility and reality. If a person cannot accept life as is he will be in eternal struggle with himself and with the entire world. How many times have you found that you are powerless? You just can’t change reality? If you can’t change reality you have to accept the facts as they are – as the REALITY.
Coping with reality and accepting our limitations has become a big issue in our generation and as I have pointed out in my previous articles, we as educators are not doing a good job teaching the next generation a most important emotional toll: Coping with disappointments and being realistic in order to confront the real life out there in the real world.
If you are a new immigrant things are most probably more complicated because besides the language and mentality barrier you are now in an unknown zone regarding several issues you used to be in complete control of in your former country. As a result, frustration and disappointments are common causes of increased pressure.
You can complain, you can be upset or even be frustrated but in the end you have to remember that you are now in a new country, a different society, different lifestyle and specially different life standards! Yes, you will find here many standards that don’t fit yours and are “behind” your expected standards from abroad. Still you will have to get used to this until you can make changes with the legislators.
It won’t be because you are mad at the service you receive in the Ministry of Interior (as an example) that they will change the rules for you even if you are a hundred percent correct and believe it’s in your rights to be treated differently or better. You will need to accept facts as they are and cope with reality otherwise you will find yourself being refused service – as happens so many times.
If changes are not made within a reasonable time according to the new immigrant, the end is always the same: good, yet immature, people will pack and go back to where they came from if they can afford or stay in Israel and feel miserable.
Maturity and Marriage
In a marriage these two don’t pair as we will learn from the following story. One of those true and sad stories where there is a possibility to have a happy ending but because we have so much trouble maturing, these stories end in a sad and unnecessary divorce.
Harry and Sally were like two little kids playing in a sandbox constantly fighting for this or that tool and pushing each other. When they were mad not coping with the frustrations they had created, they behaved as is expected from little children – they fought. But in the end they resumed their friendship. What they never did was to learn how to cope with the frustrations because “children are immature and cannot cope well with frustrations”.
They finally divorced and went separately to therapy where something eventually started to change for them as individuals.
Harry started learning the hard way to look at himself with maturity and began taking responsibility for his behavior and mistakes. He was not in despair and didn’t feel guilt because he knew guilt was an impairing feeling he should avoid. Instead of being devastated, he decided to rebuild his life.
He tried to approach Sally, hoping to rebuild trust and to give their relationship a second chance after so many years of marriage. Sally wouldn’t give an inch. Not because she was vengeful, but because of her lack of emotional tools and mainly because she was still the same immature person struggling to grow up.
Sally was a prisoner of the “reality” she created for herself. She was living in fantasy but calling it reality, therefore, she was incapable of taking full responsibility for her acts or her inability to cope with her former partner. It was easy for her to blame Harry and stay in the “safe zone” she had insulated herself in since she was a child. She was that same child today – a beautiful and intelligent child in a woman’s body.
It was revolutionary (or as some call him, terrorist) Ernesto Guevara (Che) who once said: “For great causes courage and audacity is needed” and indeed courage is needed to reach full maturity in life, especially if you are already “old”.
In order to mend a divorce one will need a few essential ingredients; a small, yet very real “revolution”. Among others, one will need some good and new changes as follows:
Courage to accept life as is, courage to say “I have made mistakes – it was my fault as well”.
Responsibility is another essential ingredient because if you don’t take full responsibility with no “buts” you will be stuck in the old behavior of blaming the other side for your own doing.
Perseverance is key to success because one has to dare and try. One must fight to fix the mistakes and dare to believe it is possible and doable.
Audacity to claim a new chance, but courage to accept NO as an answer.
Harry is finally happily remarried but Sally decided to remain in the same safe zone avoiding a new and serious relationship because her “sandbox” was too small and somehow still unprepared to be shared with someone else.
Words of Wisdom
As a family mediator and divorce lawyer I have witnessed too many cases like the one I have described for you. My advice to anyone who is facing a challenge like this is:
Remember! You can only change yourself and not the other person.
