When young Rabbi Eleazar of Koznitz was a guest in the house of Rabbi Naftali of Roptchitz, he once cast a surprised glance at the window, where the curtains had been drawn. When his host asked him the cause of his surprise, he said: “If you want people to look in, then why the curtains? And if you do not want them to, why the window?” “And what explanation have you found for this?” Asked Rabbi Naftali.
“When you want someone you love to look in,” said the young Rabbi, “you draw aside the curtain”.
How many times have you heard someone saying: “I will not tell you because you will not understand”? Didn’t you feel bad? Isn’t it condescending to say something like this? It is very clear that the chances you can understand what the other has to say are 50% but if they don’t tell anything, the chances are zero. This is a good way of not communicating and achieving absolutely nothing in life, but very often too many people do it in a relationship.
In a client – lawyer relationship:
Too many people (and I am talking especially about Americans here) “hide” information from me when seeking my help and advice. Too many people are even rude when they feel their privacy has been invaded or their private life exposed. As a result of having only partial information, I find myself incapable of making a decision regarding their problem or sometimes even unwilling to help them at all.
I always ask the person’s age and my answers for that same question may differ from one to another because of their ages. I may want to see someone in person if I feel he/she is too emotional or too young to accept an answer they will certainly not like or have a hard time coping with over the phone.
Years of experience with many hundreds cases has taught me that an in-person interview and a lot of information can make the difference between a happy end and a bad end of a case brought to me. I still struggle with people insisting I answer them by phone with a short answer but I don’t give up easily because in the end it is my reputation and also the future of these people.
In a marriage:
I can recall few times where I’ve heard couples in my office telling each other this strong sentence: “you will never understand even if I explain it to you”. It is true that some people will need some help to understand some emotions, others will have a hard time accepting a new concept and few others will not understand because there is too much bad vibes going on between them, but in spite of the existing chances the other side will not understand, one must try to communicate and not discount the other side.
Working as a mediator, I’ve seen a marriage saved by a simple opening of one of the spouses. It is always a new and good experience to see how narrow the differences between two people can be and how easy it can be to bring them back together and closer again.
Years of experience with many hundreds cases has taught me that an in-person interview and a lot of information can make the difference between a happy end and a bad end of a case brought to me. I still struggle with people insisting I answer them by phone with a short answer but I don’t give up easily because in the end it is my reputation and also the future of these people.
In a divorce case:
Our “slogan” in the office is: Don’t you ever lie to your physician or your lawyer.
How frustrating it is to find out in a court room from the other side’s lawyer that you have been told only part of the story, part of truth or even worse: You have been lied to by your own client! One can never win a case with lies from his own client. We can work with any wrong-doing of a client if we know what he/she has done in advance, but we need to be prepared and not be taken by surprised by the contender side.
In a criminal case:
Doesn’t matter what you have done, your lawyer must know the truth. If you hide information from your lawyer you will certainly be in eminent danger of losing in court. Remember that the DA, the police or any other government office involved in your case (such as the tax authorities, for example) will have a lot of information in your case but your lawyer who is not a detective or never suspected you, has no information at all.
The more information and details you give your lawyer the better your chances he will find flaws in the case in order to help you. As a result your chances will be better if you confide with your lawyer and tell him everything.
