Sometimes we have to face life as is. We must make choices — painful choices — but which are necessary in order to achieve our goals.
Such was the case with Harry and Sally — or, rather, with Sally. The moment had arrived for her to make the most important choice in her life — to stay married, or divorce Harry. As you will learn, Sally chose for her freedom; she chose to stay married and to get away from her “friends and family.”
Sally met Harry soon after her divorce from Mark, a man just like her. As a couple, Sally and Mark had been simply a disaster; both of them were immature and very dependent, especially on their family and friends. We call them “robots.” A robot is someone always in need of guidance and of being commanded. People like this need their buttons to be pushed all the time, or they become idle.
After the divorce, Sally — who refused to admit her share in the breakdown of the relationship — didn’t go to therapy and deepened her ties with her family and friends. Whatever they told her (or, rather, commanded her to do), Sally would act upon, without any awareness of her lack of independence. Sally became an empty vessel: Instead of commanding her own ship, she let others do it for her.
Do you know anyone like Sally? We all do. Someone who won’t admit his or her weakness, and therefore will never listen. Don’t waste your time trying to force someone like this because, at best, you will involuntarily become another “button-pusher.” People like Sally need more than suggestions, guidance, or a friend; they need deep knowledge of their own situation, in addition to some good therapy.
Sally met Harry when she was at “her best,” as she used to say. She felt liberated, strong, independent, and self-confident. (Sally was actually disillusioned, and felt that the problem in her marriage had been Mark and that she had merely been a poor victim.)
When Harry and Sally asked me to draw up a divorce agreement, I felt very confused; I wasn’t sure if the couple had actually come to me for a divorce, or for a solution to their problems. My business partner — who is more rational than I am — told me we should just do it: As lawyers we were hired to write an agreement, and not to do family therapy.
As a compromise, we all agreed that Sally and Harry should see a professional — not a psychologist per se, but a certain family therapist we had met in the past and who was someone we trusted as sincere and professional.
A year after my meeting with Harry and Sally, I received a phone call from Sally — not from Tel Aviv, where they used to live, but from a small moshav (village) in the north of Israel, near the Lebanese border. They were calling to thank me and my partner for having saved their marriage.
I contacted the therapist (after receiving permission from the couple to do so). He told me that Sally had given him permission to talk about the case and the therapy they had undergone six months previously. I was really curious and asked what had transpired and what kind of therapy or method he had used.
As I was told, Sally was extremely dependent on her family. Not only emotionally (due to her lack of self-confidence), but also financially (she had been supported by her parents since her teens). Sally was a “robot” type of person: In order to function, she needed someone to push her buttons.
Harry came into her life, but refused to push these buttons. As a result, Sally turned to her “friends” and family. The divorce was a matter of time and finally a decision had to be taken — or a huge change had to be made. Sally initially opted for the divorce (this is when the couple came to me to draft an agreement) but, after several sessions with the therapist, she started to see the truth.
It hadn’t been an easy task. The changes were painful and, as I was told, the couple gave up a few times until finally being able to work together on the real issue: Sally’s independence, i.e., her disconnection from her family and friends.
These “friends” were all of the same mold: the “button-pusher type.” They didn’t really care about Sally as an individual, but saw her as a marionette they should manipulate for “her own best interest.” These friends were destructive to Sally and to her marriage to Harry, whom they saw as a mere “intruder.”
Sally’s family was even worse. They somehow did not have the ability to see Sally happy. They were jealous of her, and angry at her: She had made Aliya and had become religious, whereas they remained in the same old town — assimilated, extremely secular, and “slaves to the money” they had (or were still making). In their eyes, Sally was stubborn and irresponsible.
The issues between Sally and her family were varied and complicated. Sally was angry — very angry — at them, but so impaired by this fear of them, in addition to her financial dependence, that she could not rebel. Instead of being angry at her family and their manipulation, she directed her anger towards Harry, the person she loved, and who most loved her — ever.
The couple moved a long distance away from friends and family, and built a completely new life, far from the negative influence.
I became a friend (a real friend) of the couple, and we went to a few events together. Sally told me recently she was learning how to be “free of button-pushing.” It was a slow and painful process and she was still in therapy, but every day, as she phrased it, “is a new conquest.”
Sally’s family will never see the big picture; to them, she is just insane and is being manipulated by her cruel husband. Sally’s family — as I understand it — is not supporting her anymore, and Sally had to find a job to contribute toward the couple’s budget. She can’t stop telling me (and everyone else) how wonderful it is to receive a paycheck at the end of the month, with the knowledge that she’d earned it by the sweat of her own brow.
How many of us know someone like Sally? We all do. And, perhaps in our subconscious, we are even one of these “button-pushers,” although not necessarily with bad intentions. We tend to become button-pushers in situations where “the other” is easy prey and shows weakness and a need to be commanded.
A word of wisdom
If you think your marriage has been affected by a friend’s opinion, or if you feel under pressure from your family to get a divorce, please consider the possibility that you are being negatively influenced.
Remember that this is your life and that, as soon as these friends and family get what they want, you will find yourself alone, while they go back to their own cushy life.
