I don’t know who you may be, I don’t know who you wish to be.
I’m still trying to get to know you and your silence bothers mine.
I don’t know where the lies come from, is it from your voice that shuts?
The world into which I dive against my will is like a terrifying tunnel.
From your distance to mine, we get lost way too often.
And striving to understand you is like chasing the wind.
I don’t know why I stay in a sea that makes me drown.
I don’t know why I stay in air that will get me choked.
You’re the blood of my wound, you’re the fire of my burns,
You’re my question without an answer, my mute cry and my silence.
Translation of the song “La Question” by Françoise Hardy (1971, in collaboration with Tuca)
None of us gets married with the thought that, at some point after years of marriage, we’d be so frustrated we’d seriously consider divorce ̶ or actually get divorced.
Marriage is an extremely difficult type of relationship
There are no guidebooks, bibles or anything else to make it easier for us.
No one takes a preparatory course before making the decision to marry the person they choose to live the rest of their lives with.
Some couples teeter precariously on the brink of divorce, but don’t split up; others are not able to work it out between them and do get a divorce. And then there are the lucky ones who stay happily married. But even the “lucky ones” ̶ work hard to remain happily united.
If one of the spouses is in real and tangible danger – in other words, when he / she needs to leave the relationship to maintain his / her physical and emotional integrity – it is necessary to look for the exit and not another way to save the marriage.
Yet, barring this situation, many divorces can be avoided if a couple is willing to work hard to save the marriage. This journey cannot be done without professional help such as a therapist, psychologist or some type of religious leader that is accepted by the couple.
Why do we stay married?
Sometimes, the question is not why we divorce, but rather why we stay in a relationship for so long when we (both partners) have no tools to stay in that relationship. And worse, when we have no means of creating the necessary tools for working on a better relationship.
At times, it’s very hard to figure out whether to stay in our marriage, or just give up and leave. Some cases are more clear-cut than others ̶ such as those involving physical or serious emotional abuse; chronic addictions; or changes in sexual behavior or gender preference.
It is hard to decide, but not impossible. Please remember that a certain behavior that would be intolerable for one, might be just a minor inconvenience for another. It is up to each one of us to decide where to draw the line. No, we don’t necessarily have to like or accept every single trait of our partner, but we certainly should be focusing on changing ourselves and not each other.
Even if we know we should learn to accept each other’s limitations or uniqueness, there is always a line we should draw for our own safety – physical or emotional.
Be Brave
Dive into that terrifying tunnel if you have to, and fight for your marriage, but, if you feel a real and tangible danger – leave. And the sooner the better, for both of you – and for your children, if you have kids.
Don’t stay in a sea that makes you drown; don’t keep chasing the wind you can’t catch, or let your partner become the air that will choke you.
The answer is not to stay mute, but to break the silence and build a better life.
