Introduction:
While rewriting history is a well-known phenomenon in cases of failed immigration, this article will deal with rewriting history in a divorce case. The former issue will be addressed in our next article.
Definition:
On the Idiom Definitions website, the concept of ‘rewriting history’ is defined in the following terms: “If you rewrite history, you change your version of past events so as to make yourself look better than you would if the truth were told.”
Rewriting history:
I am always taken by surprise and perplexed by people who attempt to rewrite history, although just by learning the facts anyone can understand that their version of reality is implausible and that there is something wrong with their story. These people are called “revisionists” or “history rewriters”. Some revisionists rewrite their own life stories, and in the process they expunge the remembrances that do not fit the latest version. As a result, they cannot make sense of their past experiences.
As Dan Brown wrote: “By its very nature, history is always a one-sided account.” And what can be better than when there is only one version and nobody to contradict it.
Some will say that there is nothing inherently wrong with rewriting history because history in general is a story about those who lost rewritten by those who won. Ultimately, reality is akin to death: it’s an inevitable condition: it can only be denied, not avoided. So why not deny the facts and rewrite history in order to suit our purpose?
Be Honest with Yourself – Honest Self Knowledge:
Evagrius (an Egyptian Monk, 399) wrote about what he called “logismos” – “thoughts that bewilder and befog the mind so that slowly, bit by bit, we drift away into a world of self-destructive fantasy.”
To indulge in logismos is to choose to see the bad, the unreal, not fitting reality. Logismos are the arch-enemies of the soul, the demons from within that destroy proper perspective on the world and thus prevent us from concentrating on the actual reality of our life, leading us further and further from our actual condition, making us try to solve problems that have not yet arisen and need never arise.
Rewriting history in a divorce:
Dr. Tom Merrill and Geoff Hamilton, Esq wrote in their research: “Typically, this stage is one in which the fact that the relationship is in trouble is not directly verbalized. Rather, it is characterized by indirect, covert, destructive behavior by one or both partners. Often the initiator, either consciously or not, begins “rewriting” the history of the marriage or the image of the other spouse to build a case that justifies the eventual split. “Rewriting” simply involves selecting, coloring and emphasizing the “bad stuff”: unresolved “hurts” from the past or behavior that does not currently work. It also includes “glossing over” or ignoring the “good stuff” and thereby reaching the conclusion that divorce is appropriate.
This process is simply a matter of deliberate, subjective choice, as opposed to “historical accuracy” or searching for the truth since its purpose is to justify the choice to split up which has already been made. It is a period that sees the development of what has been described as the marital “point of no return.” From this point on, in the absence of positive intervention, behaviors and actions move the relationship toward the inevitable point of divorce.”
Negative Reconstruction of Spouse Identity:
There are two intriguing phenomena which, in varying degrees, may occur during the litigation stage of divorce. One has been termed the “negative reconstruction of spousal identity” (Johnston & Campbell, 1988). This phenomenon is characterized by the tendency of one spouse to cast the other in a vilified image, for example, “He’s a weak, violent drunk,” or, She’s a two-faced, selfish, pathological liar who can’t ever be trusted.” These intensely negative, polarized characterizations that high conflict divorcing couples make of each other become reified and immutable over time. The spouse, in essence, rewrites marital history and selectively perceives only the events over the years that fit with the present negative characterization. Hence, it is as if the spouse creates a profound insight (albeit twisted and distorted) which is then rationalized and supported as if it were true.
Selective Attention (by Cathy Meyer)
There is a human phenomenon psychologist’s call selective attention.
Human beings have a natural tendency to pay attention only to data that supports their pre-existing point of view or desire. Information that contradicts their beliefs or wishes is filtered-out of their awareness. Obviously this practice can lead to severely distorted notions of people and events and to making very poor choices and decisions.
I see this selective attention “phenomenon” in many divorced clients I work with. Once it is decided there will be a divorce one or the other spouse will begin to rewrite the history of the marriage and especially the biography of the person they were married to.
The ex becomes evil and this sort of thinking is most prevalent in the one seeking a divorce. Why? Guilt, shame a way to justify their actions. We feel better about ourselves if the ex is evil and we had no choice but to leave.
What is wrong with this kind of thinking? It takes away any chance of a civil divorce. It damages any children of the marriage and God forbid an adversarial attorney become involved with the selective attention thinker. You can kiss a large chunk of your marital assets goodbye if this happens.
I remember my ex as being a kind and loving man. He was a great father and as long as he had us, up until the day he left we never wanted for anything. He had his issues just as I did. He could be hurtful but in no way was he evil. Being able to remember him in this way enables me to see him as human…someone who makes mistakes but isn’t evil.
It helps me to continue to try and have a civil relationship with him. Something we should all strive to have with an ex-spouse.
He on the other hand, remembers me as being the cause of all his misery. An abusive shrew that kept him from living the life he wanted to live. His revision of who I was in the marriage and who I am as a person keeps him from being able to see me as human. I have to be seen as the evil one in order for him to continue to feel good about himself and the destructive decisions he has made since leaving the marriage.
Because of this he will never be able to have a civil relationship with me.
Just as our marriage failed, so has our divorce. The key to a successful divorce is the ability of both spouses to see each other as flawed human beings, not as evil beings.”
Don’t do it:
After the divorce you will have years of relation with your ex-spouse and many more with the children. If your message to the children is that their father is evil, you will seriously damage their future – don’t do this!
Let it go and try to remember it is over, it is in the past and it won’t come back.
A personal touch:
I have worked with divorcing and divorced couples for many years. My vast personal experience tells me that, in spite of all the anger these people may show during and after the process, they don’t completely believe their revised versions of history. Deep down they know there were good times and bad times, and that their spouses have good and bad traits alike.
It is a real pity society has not yet found a way to bring good people in bad marital situations to seek and receive professional support to save the relation, to save the marriage and avoid years of legal and emotional conflicts that are practically unavoidable in a divorce case.
In 2010 in Israel, there were 42,000 marriages but also over 14,000 divorces. Considering the general support the State provides to divorced mothers, as well as other related expenses, the financial burden on the State due to divorce was much greater than would have been the cost of a national program to provide professional help to couples applying for divorce.
The family unit is as essential to our country as security and a strong defense army. Yet the sad reality is that the family unit has deteriorated in leaps and bounds, and the future doesn’t look too hopeful either. It is time we stop the avalanche of unnecessary divorces in Israel and start working towards a national plan to save the family.
