Imagine our two personages, the famous imaginary couple Sally and Harry sitting in a large movie theater all by themselves. No one else is allowed to come in to assist with what they are about to watch: Their own movie, the one they have both created as a joint venture: The marriage of Sally and Harry from the beginning to the end.
The Love Story:
The movie, like in an opera, is divided in parts. The first part is all about a love story where every difficulty can be overcome with love and caring. It was love at first sight, a love story like many others where both Sally and Harry were living in a beautiful dream.
The Drama:
After a while, the curtains went down for intermission until the second part was ready to begin. They didn’t have to wait very long for a second part that was also about love, but that love had become mainly a drama – a big drama with many tears, pain and resentment.
It was painful to watch all that drama, but in spite of the pain, it was clear that side-by-side with the pain there was still a deep love and caring for each other, they were still holding tightly onto the first part, the love story.
The Storm:
From a drama they were swept into a storm where they were under tremendous pressure from unknown winds coming from many directions. It looked like the entire world was against them being together. The wind had as a goal to separate them at any price but Sally and Harry kept holding on to each other believing they could somehow count on that old, strong and true love.
The Tsunami:
From a storm they were thrown into a tsunami. They tried so hard to hold onto something, to find salvation in a safe place where they could land, but they were drowning fast without any tools to avoid what would become a disaster that finally separated them.
We all know these movies because they happen in real life:
Some of us have even played a part in this kind of script in our own marriage; others know someone who has been through it or someone who is now going through it.
I am constantly meeting these people – good people with good intentions but with no tools to handle difficulties. There is not much I can offer to help or comfort them but there is much to be done when these good people are willing to create the necessary tools and learn to use them.
For most of these couples I can offer legal guidance in order to make their separation less painful, more respectful, and more affordable; giving them a chance to be in good relationship after the separation; especially if they have children in common.
It is up to them to decide how to end the movie. If they want to end it as a disaster movie, no one can stop them.
The impact of immigration on marriages:
From past experience with new immigrants I’ve learned that the burden of finances in Israel is a major factor causing enormous pressure on new immigrants without any regard to their age or education, though the financial background does have an important impact as I will explain.
The more financially secure the couple has been abroad, the harder it is for them if they have to face a difficult financial situation in Israel due to bad planning or because they can’t find a good job. As a result they may tend to blame each other, feel guilty for letting the situation deteriorate and finally they will start thinking about going back – giving up the dream or will end in a divorce dispute.
Facing Reality:
I’ve lost track of the times I’ve asked new immigrants to face reality and start thinking and acting as Israelis; meaning – adopting the new life style without “Costco”, “Target”, without Sundays, with long working hours, problems with the language and work environment, and I still find it hard to explain to these good people how important it is to change the approach.
Building and rebuilding a life together:
In order to rebuild a life together two people must first of all want to do it. They must be prepared to work hard on their relationship and be open to receive help. Without help there is no chance they will ever rebuild a damaged relationship.
Building and rebuilding a life in Israel:
Unfortunately, there is not enough preparation before the immigration process begins. Whatever you are told, whatever you think you know or you’ve learned from others is nothing but the tip of the iceberg and the real life starts as soon as you land here in Israel.
Problems will occur, difficulties will come. Be realistic and prepare yourself for the unexpected but don’t wait until the situation gets out of control, don’t despair thinking there is no solution, don’t wait for miracles either. Instead, create the change, look around you and you will see many people that can and will help and guide you out of the bad situation you might be in.
But don’t expect an easy way out; because the only way to rebuild is by hard work, giving up some of your dreams in order to save others, and by compromising, compromising everywhere is the key.
As soon as you look for solutions, and are willing to work hard on them, you will find more and more possibilities, more people willing to assist you, good people around you ready to help you rebuild your life in Israel.
