Rebbe Menachem Mendel of Kotzk once told us:
“If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you. But if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you!”
I suggest you ask yourself, are you doing what you want to do, what you believe in, or are you just trying to please others? Do you have your own rich inner world or are you just an “empty vessel” trying to fill yourself with ideas you’ve heard from others around you?
The Kotzker Rebbe also said:
“People are accustomed to look at the heavens and to wonder what happens there. It would be better if they would look within themselves, to see what happens there.”
Don’t try to change the world before you have succeeded in changing yourself. You may find that real progress and change can be a long and painful task that could take up to a lifetime.
This also applies to any type of relationship: a family cell, a “regular” marriage, a common law marriage, or a friendship.
Sally’s latest adventure:
Sally was an overly nice non-confronting woman everyone loved. Her husband Harry was the opposite; he was a dominant, tough personality people refrained from confronting. Sally constantly “gave up” or asked Harry to make the decisions for them. So Harry embraced his role seriously.
Sometime in the relationship Sally changed, or so she thought. She began demanding her share of the decision-making role. Now this could have been a good and healthy sign, if it was a sincere change on Sally’s part. Unfortunately, it wasn’t.
Sally was not only demanding her share – she now began blaming Harry for every wrong decision “he had made in the past”. In Sally’s eyes, Harry was the only one to be blamed.
And so I ask … “why is there this need to blame someone”? The answer is simple – there is never any need to do so. Blaming someone else can only serve one purpose, Sally was simply avoiding reproach herself. Feeling guilty, she found that blaming others was an easier solution. After all, if Harry was “guilty,” then poor Sally was innocent.
Sally’s problem was much deeper than not being able to confront others. She was in denial of the roots of her inability to confront, coming from a deep inner emptiness. Sally had yet to find her true self; in the meantime, she let others take control of her life and decide what was good for her.
Somebody was always ready and waiting to control Sally, including her siblings. So eventually when Harry was “disposed” of as a husband, Sally’s children and even her therapist quickly took his place. Like clockwork, somebody was always in control of Sally’s mind, leaving no room for her own thoughts.
Sally continued to do a fantastic job of pleasing everyone, but the cost was high. Now after her third divorce, she was already in a new unstable relationship.
Divorce or separation is never a solution:
Divorce is never a solution, yet somehow so many people choose divorce (or a break up when unmarried) to solve their problems. Separation is a clear escape from our problems we should be confronting, rather than running away from.
When you choose to separate all you really know is what you are losing or giving up. You never actually know what you will get in exchange. In general, it’s easier to save a marriage than start a new life with a new partner. You can’t predict the true nature of your future relationship before you’ve already entered in deep.
The solution:
In a family unit no one should ever be blamed, be made guilty or appointed the sole decision maker. Working together as a family is essential to making the unit work. Yet unfortunately most couples are too busy with power struggles rather than focusing on the most important joint venture of a family: running the show together!
