This article has the potential of becoming an explosive issue and I am sure many of you will have comments; therefore this article is open to any comment you may have.
In this article I will try to confine myself mainly to “verbal abuse” but we will have to deal also with a few other types of abuse.
What is Verbal Abuse? (by Dr. Jay Grady, Ph.D.)
“We can define verbal abuse as words that attack or injure an individual, words that cause one to believe an untrue statement, or words that speak falsely of an individual. Verbal abuse constitutes psychological violence. Verbal abuse is damaging to the spirit. It takes the joy and vitality out of life. Although it would be impossible to estimate the number of individuals in verbally abusive relationships, we can assume that millions of people around the world are limited in their pursuits of happiness. Why? Because low self-esteem and lack of confidence can be a direct result of having been undermined by verbal abuse.”
The Definition by the American Law
“Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to. It is difficult to define and may take many forms. Similarly, the harm caused is often difficult to measure. The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication.”
The Definition the Israeli Law
It is the easiest and most liberal definition. Abuse is considered whatever the Judge decides! I am sure you understand the meaning of this but to be on the safe side I will explain.
It is normal practice today to include accusations of “verbal abuse” or any other type of abuse that in fact can’t be proven. As a result of this “abuse”, a restraining order is requested in most cases.
Because the judge can never know whether or not a claim of verbal abuse is true, a restraining order is almost automatically issued by the judge and most often against the husband. This is the actual situation in the family law courts, but not only there.
A restraining order can be issued by any court regarding a wide range of subjects including: violence, slander, conflicts among neighbors, etc.
In Israel, there is no verbal abuse. We use another terminology called “verbal violence” (“Alimut Milulit”). The very use of the word violence makes things worse from the very beginning, giving a very negative and violent connotation to the act of verbally abusing someone.
What is included in the verbal abuse list?
Verbal abuse includes withholding, bullying, defaming, demeaning, trivializing, harassing, diverting, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, countering, lying, berating, taunting, put downs, abuse disguised as a joke, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging and more.
Verbal Abuse and the “stonewallers” or The Silent Abuser
Not all emotional abuse involves shouting or criticism. More common forms are “disengaging” – the distracted or preoccupied spouse – or “stonewalling” – the spouse who refuses to accept anyone else’s perspective.
While verbal abuse and other forms of emotional abuse can be roughly equal between men and women, “stonewallers” are almost exclusively male.
The partner who stonewalls may not overtly put you down. Nevertheless, he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing even to think about your perspective.
What is Domestic Abuse/Violence?
Also known as spousal abuse, this occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: To gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you; hurt you, even those around you or dear to you.
What is Psychological Abuse?
Psychological abuse, also referred to as “emotional/mental abuse” , is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
There are mainly three different categories of “psychological aggression”, but again there is no closed list:
- Verbal aggression: Saying something that upsets or annoys someone else;
- Dominant behaviors: Preventing someone from having contact with their family;
- Jealous behaviors: Accusing a partner of maintaining other parallel relations.
Emotional Abuse according to U.S Department of Justice
The U.S. Department of Justice defines emotionally abusive traits as including causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner’s family or friends, destruction of pets and property, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school or work.
Emotional Abuse according to Canadian Legal System
Emotional abuse is motivated by urges for “power and decontrol”, including: rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and “denying emotional responsiveness” as characteristic of emotional abuse.
The need of continuity or pattern
Several studies and different theories have argued that, unlike physical and sexual maltreatment, an isolated incident of this type of abuse does not constitute emotional abuse. “Emotional Abuse” is characterized by a climate or pattern of behaviors occurring over time.
Thus, ‘sustained’ and ‘repetitive’ are the crucial components of any definition of emotional abuse. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event.
Side Effects of Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse may lead to stress, depression, physical ailments, and other damage. Divorce is not considered damage if, and only if, the sides tried therapy that did not lead to positive results.
Israel and Verbal Abuse Today
It is easy for me to say that by the above definitions we are all abusers in this country, including almost all eight million inhabitants of Israel. We certainly have a problem when speaking to each other. We sound aggressive, impatient and also manipulative.
I have seen almost every Judge in his courtroom talking disrespectfully towards lawyers and contenders and even towards the clerks, even including other judges in the Supreme Court!
Civil servants are in general abusive of the power they hold, doctors in this country are especially abusive of the tremendous power they hold: Their knowledge.
The list is endless and I am sure each one of you could add his/her example.
There are always exceptions and I am not saying that every person in the country is a bad person because he/she is “abusive” by the above definitions. I am saying we have to be more flexible when putting all these labels in our attitudes.
Israelis are rude but not necessarily abusive, Israelis are in general demanding and again it doesn’t make them abusive.
Abuse and Divorce
One of the most influencing cause of divorces in Israel is the lack of communication or bad communication skills between spouses. Unfortunately very little has been done to prepare young couples for marriage.
We should find a way to teach these young couples some basic communications skills and give them the tools and accessibility to learn and improve their skills for good and effective communication.
I wish newlyweds would be required to go to a short course on communication skills. As a result the rate of divorce might decrease and so many families would not be destroyed for lack of minimum communication skills.
A word of wisdom
The wide use of “verbal abuse” in our modern society will have the opposite desired effect. Instead of taking seriously accusations of verbal abuse, we will gradually- as will the courts – get used to the concept of having this accusation included in most lawsuits.
Not every fight between spouses makes them abusive.
In the heat of the moment when wrong and even bad words are spoken, that doesn’t necessarily mean our partners are abusive.
Conclusion
We should restrain from using “abuse” as a matter-of-fact expression even among friends.
Abuse is a very serious accusation but somehow we have all gotten used to labeling any disagreement as “abuse” and it is time we learn to restrain ourselves.
If you can be part of an advocacy team in this country to decrease the divorce rate, please think about it. We together can be a strong advocacy team to create a lobby to bring the State of Israel to oblige new couples to attend some type of “study” before getting married.
