An inch from a divorce – An inch from reconciliation
Harry and Sally met in their late twenties, both already divorced without children.
Harry, an Israeli, met Sally from a Central American country when she came to visit some family in Israel. Both were from the same religious background, the same financial background, had the same level of education and were very thirsty for a second chance. They married a few months after meeting in Israel.
The deal was simple. Harry would travel to Sally’s family in Central America where they would stay for a year, maybe two. Sally was still very needy of her parents, especially her mother. Harry was a very accommodating person therefore the future looked good. Why not give a try?
During the next 5 years, they had 5 children all born in Central America. Harry built a new partial life but was never really happy. The “at most two years” period was long gone and no signs of going back to Israel were given by Sally or her family. Harry knew that they were on the verge of an open war with her parents – a war that Harry had no chance at all of winning.
They were happy together but Harry felt “strangled” by her family. Harry was financially dependent on her parents, he didn’t have a decent well-paying job in spite of the parent’s promises they would offer Harry a good job. All decisions were to be made after consulting her parents (mainly her mother) and as we all know “Ball Ha Mea U Ball a Dea” (whoever has the money has a final word).
The opportunity came. Harry was offered a great job in a neighboring country. It was now or never and Harry pushed hard, put a lot of pressure on Sally until she finally agreed to go with the kids. A month after they arrived, due to some technical problems, Harry still didn’t have the job he was promised. As a result, money became a problem and as usual, Sally decided to contact her mother and tell her the story and the difficulties they were having.
It took Sally’s mother less than two weeks to arrive to “save the poor couple”, help them and “guide them” through the difficult times. It took Harry less than a month to run away from everything – be free from the tremendous pressure and humiliation he was going through, from her parents dictating every single detail of their lives.
Harry came to Israel, leaving behind her wife and kids. Sally went back to her country of origin. From that moment things deteriorated for everyone. Sally was angry at Harry, feeling deserted, Harry was free from the humiliation but depressed by not seeing his children or being with his wife whom he loved. Sally’s parents were seeking vengeance against Harry.
Time was passing and nothing was happening. The children were cut out of Harry’s life; Sally grew angrier than ever at Harry until all the communication between them ceased to exist. This was when Sally’s mother contacted me in order to sue Harry for alimony/child support.
I offered my services as a mediator but refused to take the case as a lawyer for many legal and technical reasons. They agreed and I immediately contacted Harry who was more than happy to be offered a chance to find a solution to the impasse.
During the few next weeks I tried everything, always finding an impenetrable wall – not on Harry’s but on Sally’s side, Sally’s parents – my clients. They wanted more, they knew better but they wanted their away or no way. Harry was willing to compromise. He was willing to start fresh in Israel without her parents, he was willing to go to therapy, and he was ready to support the family using almost all of his new salary in Israel. Nothing was enough – my clients were not looking for anything but vengeance and money.
Almost a year has passed since the first time I became a mediator in this case, almost a year has passed since Harry and Sally spoke last. Almost a year has passed since Harry spoke to or saw his children. Almost a year since I quit that case as a mediator because I refused to play the children against their father.
Sally wanted a fortune in alimony/child support; she wanted Harry to come visit the children in her country but would not allow the children to come to their father even with her completely at Harry’s expense (Harry offered to pay for everything in order to have them come to Israel to visit).
Harry refused to give her a GET or pay any money until they reached a final agreement. It was clear that a very thin line divided between love and hate.
Alimony/Child Support from long distance:
When one of the parents has the children “de facto” and the other parent is not allowed to have contact with them, alimony/child support will be very small or even none.
When parents are living on different continents or countries, the amount of alimony/child support will not be based on the costs of where the children are living and it was clear that the costs were high due to the private Jewish education they needed abroad.
Sally was illogical and emotional becoming mean and ignoring the best interest of the children.
An Inch from a divorce:
More than once I was just an inch from a final and good agreement, but at the last moment Sally’s parents would interfere and blow it up – again and again.
A good friend of the family, a respected Rabbi was only an inch from reconciliation between them when again Sally’s parents took over the negotiations and blew it up.
Again I was just an inch from an agreement when Harry decided to give up.
A word of wisdom:
Two people get married and have children without their parent’s presence at every move they make. They should try to reconcile (or divorce if this is the case), without the parent’s great “help”.
Couples should know better, they should know how to separate/divorce in a civilized way, but above all, they should know how to separate their lives from their parents’ lives.
