The Rabbi of Lelov said to his Hassidim
“A man cannot be redeemed until he recognizes the flaws in his soul and tries to mend them. A nation cannot be redeemed until it recognizes the laws in its soul and tries to mend them. Whoever permits no recognition of his flaws, be it man or nation, permits no redemption. We can be redeemed to the extent to which we recognize ourselves.
“When Jacob’s sons said to Joseph: “We are upright men’, he answered: “That is why I spoke to you saying: Ye are spies.’
But later, when they confessed the truth with their lips and with their hearts, and said to one another, ‘We are verily guilty concerning our brother,’ the first gleam of their redemption dawned. Overcome with compassion, Joseph turned aside and wept.”
Not everyone can be forgiven
How many times have we heard about an “unnecessary divorce”? As a lawyer, and from personal experience, I can easily say that most divorces are completely unnecessary and could be avoided if the sides would only have more patience and get good help on time.
We rarely witness one of the contenders in a divorce taking full responsibility for whatever went wrong between them. It is a very brave act and takes a lot of courage and humbleness to do that. In spite of one’s courage in taking responsibility, there is no guarantee that the other side will be able to understand, assimilate and accept what has been said. It takes two to overcome the difficulties in a marriage.
Taking full – and not only partial – responsibility
When one side takes responsibility for whatever went wrong, it must be a total and unlimited responsibility because otherwise the other side will not be able to accept it. Of course this is unrealistic because it is impossible to blame only one side with so few exceptions that it is not worth mentioning them in this short article.
Let it go
Have you ever bought a ticket for a show? I am sure you have. Imagine you have waited for a long time to see that wonderful show, finally buying the ticket a few days earlier. You then decide to dine out that same night until the show starts.
Half an hour before the show is supposed to start you walk yourself to the theater, put your hand in your purse and … the ticket is not there. No need to despair because you are a sensible person. You find a bench, take everything out looking for the ticket but no relief, you can’t find it. Walking around looking for it proves to no avail either. The problem is, you are short of cash and can’t even buy a replacement if you had the cash because the show was all sold out.
Now you have to make a decision: it is getting late, you are disappointed, upset and you have no more creative ideas. It is time to make that decision. You can either go home, have a drink or a cup of coffee or buy a ticket to a movie or do something else you can afford but what you should not do is be a prisoner of the situation created from losing the ticket – it is lost.
When should one give up in a divorce case?
There is no real answer for this question but our sages have some insight on the subject.
The first is Hilchot Tshuva where we learn how to ask for forgiveness from someone we’ve hurt. Asking three times and being refused is enough for you. You are considered as “forgiven”. Of course this “forgiveness” will not be of any help to end the situation between you and the person you have hurt but from heaven you are forgiven.
The other example regards Hashevat Aveda. When finding cash with no signs on it as to its owner, it is assumed the person who lost it has “given up” on the cash, therefore “Kol Hakodem Zoche” – whoever finds it first, it is his/hers.
What we can learn from these Halachot (Jewish laws)
When losing a ticket don’t give up so fast, try everything, go back to the places you have been, ask around because maybe someone may have found it, do whatever you can as hard as you can but you must be aware of the fact: you may not find it!
I can’t tell you when it’s time to give up and go forward and I can’t tell you to keep fighting to save a sinking ship, but remember that giving up is not necessarily the right thing to do.
The time may well come when you will have to make a hard decision and let it go. The denial stage in a divorce is one of the hardest. It hurts, but it is a stage you will have to pass through. Like it or not.
A soul mate, a partner is not just a ticket and you certainly should relate to your partner as the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you. Fight for it, don’t give up, be humble, ask for help, don’t save money, do whatever it takes but…
Even after the divorce there is still hope, but you have to rebuild your life in spite of the pain – sometimes the ticket is gone forever.
