“The Question”
I don’t know who you may be, I don’t know who you wish to be.
I’m still trying to get to know you and your silence bothers mine.I don’t know where the lies come from, is it from your voice that shuts?
The world into which I dive against my will is like a terrifying tunnel.From your distance to mine, we get lost way too often.
And striving to understand you is like chasing the wind.I don’t know why I stay in a sea that makes me drown.
I don’t know why I stay in air that will get me choked.You’re the blood of my wound, you’re the fire of my burns,
You’re my question without an answer, my mute cry and my silence.Translation of the song “La Question” by Françoise Hardy (1971, in collaboration with Tuca)
None of us gets married with the thought that, at some point after years of marriage, we’d be so frustrated we’d seriously consider divorce ̶ or actually get divorced. Marriage is an extremely difficult type of relationship that nobody is prepared for in advance. There are no guidebooks, no Bible, to make it easier for us.
Some couples teeter precariously on the brink of divorce, but don’t split up; others get stuck and do get a divorce. And then there are the lucky ones who stay happily married. But wait… there are no “lucky ones” ̶ only those who work hard to save their marriage will stay happily united.
Unless you are in real, tangible danger ̶ in other words, you need to leave the relationship to keep yourself safe – you’d better start looking for tools to create the right path to save your marriage.
Why do we stay married?
Sometimes, the question is not why we divorce, but rather why we stay in a relationship for so long when we (both partners) have no tools to stay in that relationship. And worse, when we have no means of creating the necessary tools for working on a better relationship.
At times, it’s very hard to figure out whether to stay in our marriage, or just give up and leave. Some cases are more clear-cut than others ̶ such as those involving physical or serious emotional abuse; chronic addictions; or changes in sexual behavior or gender preference.
It is hard to decide, but not impossible. Please remember that a certain behavior that would be intolerable for one, might be just a minor inconvenience for another. It is up to each one of us to decide where to draw the line.
No, we don’t necessarily have to like or accept every single trait of our partner, but we certainly should be focusing on changing ourselves and not each other.
Even if we know we should learn to accept each other’s limitations or uniqueness, there is always a line we should draw for our own safety – physical or emotional.
Some Examples of the Good that can come from a Divorce
Learning opportunities are presented to us as a gift in any divorce. Turn the inevitable difficulties of the divorce into opportunities to learn and grow.
Warning: The forgiveness that comes after the process is a most fulfilling event! Don’t skip the forgiveness; and by this, I mean mainly forgiving yourself and not only your partner.
In spite of the pain, when the understanding arrives, you will certainly experience some sort of rebirth.
These changes, the learning process, will shape who you will become; they will help you grow.
Another warning: You are now free to become your authentic self! It may be an extremely long and difficult process, but it is worth it. In the end, even though you may (or may not) find your true soul mate, you will find happiness within yourself.
Be Brave
Dive into that terrifying tunnel if you have to, and fight for your marriage. But, if you feel a real and tangible danger – leave. And the sooner the better, for both of you – and for your children, if you have kids.
Don’t stay in a sea that makes you drown; don’t keep chasing the wind you can’t catch, or let your partner become the air that will choke you.
The answer is not to stay mute, but to break the silence and build a better life.
